Julie's First Draft

Julie Philippe

Mr. Hamilton Salsich

English 9

February 3rd, 2009

A bird full of freedom:

an essay based on power of imprisonment

When we wake up every morning, we see a light that never seems to end. A light that will forever shine on our darkness, leaving its footsteps behind. Imprisonment may seem like a world without a shining light, but there is always a way to watch the light rise into darkness. There is always a way to hear the sound of a free wave crashing onto the soft sand, to watch a bird flying freely above the horizon into a world of liberty, and to picture a smile so big, that it could light up a prison cell so dark (Tricolon).

TS The sun shining through my window, I see a bird, so placid and tranquil. SD Living a life confined in a tiny room of a prison is like the world without a sun, a world without tranquility, but only darkness. CM My sun is the tiny faces that I see every day. CM It is the laughter, the kindness, and the comfort that I find in a loved one’s face when I look at them. SD The laughter and smiles have become part of my life that I could never live without. CM Sitting in my prison cell, all I would ever ask for is to see those happy faces that light up my world; the tiny faces that make my heart beat. CM What seemed like a darkness-filled room behind bars would suddenly become a room filled with comfort, love, and most importantly, light. SD They always say “happiness is contagious”, but in a way freedom is also contagious. CM Seeing and feeling a person’s freedom and joy of living always makes me feel the same way. CM Watching one’s freedom would light up the darkness in the prison cell, it would free me from the physical pain of imprisonment. CS The bars behind a window are just a barrier in which no one gets out physically, but the endless light of the sun is never behind bars itself.

TS There are times when we feel imprisoned in our own lives, as if nothing could save us but a force stronger than what we are: Freedom. SD Sometimes, I wish I was as free as the rolling waves crashing on the delicate sand. CM The majestically moving walls of water crashing so violently, yet so peacefully on the beach represent freedom. CM The free moving force of a wave, of freedom, lashes away such imprisonment. SD Other times, I would like to be as free as the gentle wings of a free flying bird. CM A bird can fly freely, far beyond the horizon and the darkness to our isolation. CM Through the light blue skies, passing the abstruse lies, and flying over the saddened eyes, there flies a bird full of liberty (Tricolon). CS The overwhelming force that pulls us back make the immense freedom of a majestically rolling wave and the mellow feeling of a bird’s delicate wings so much more appreciated.

Imprisonment is just a way of physically holding on to someone. Imprisonment is so harmful, yet so meaningless. Everyone deserves to be as free as a flying bird or a splashing wave. Everyone deserves to smile with the ones they love and explore the world with the freedom they have. Far beyond a flying bird or a rolling wave, the sun rises and sets everyday, leaving darkness behind.

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Self Assessment:

1. One thing that I really like about my essay was the purposeful repetition throughout the whole essay. I also tried to make the words and sentences flow throughout the essay without repeating myself too much.

2) One weakness in this essay was that I think there is a lot of sentences that are too long and some unecessary words. Some of my sentences were way too long and I think I could have done a better job at making short sentences too.

The grade I would give myself: A-