Mr. Hamilton Salsich
English 9
19 May 2009
Transformation:
An Essay Based on a Passage from Rainer Maria Rilke
Our life is transformed by the things we observe, the things we appreciate, the things we experience, and the things we learn from (Appositive). Although our lives are changing every passing minute, we are all able to appreciate the smallest of moments. Through transformation, our past becomes a treasure, our present becomes a past, and our future becomes a choice. Rainer Maria Rilke, the garden stone, and my life all relate to the importance of changing the right way.
TS The power of transformation through living life to its fullest is conveyed through the words of Rainer Maria Rilke. SD A life is full of emotions and experiences that may seem pointless to appreciate. CM Perhaps, it is through the appreciation of small meaningless moments that we can be changed and permitted to fully become aware of the outside world. CM Watching a wave suddenly crash onto the beach, admiring the birds singing on a branch, and catching the snowflakes on a cold snowy day are significant moments that transform us (Participial phrase). SD Transformation only happens if a life is lived to its fullest potential in any kind of situation and for doing so, the significance of an experience becomes much more important. CM Even if a moment is not worth remembering, it can only “reveal [its] essence”, if it is lived with gratitude (FAST). CM Only then, can a person be transformed into someone more knowledgeable than before. SD Every moment lived in life becomes a past, more often than not, a past not understood and unclear. CM Perhaps living life to its fullest is wanting to understand the past with the ability to let go of the odd moments that life through at us. CM The past is what shapes our future as in “everything new the old is then whole” and much more luminous. CS We are able to be transformed with the knowledge of our past, the memories of a well-lived moment, and a life lived to its absolute fullest potential.
TS Much like Rilke’s words of wisdom, a small garden stone consists of a past, a history, a story, and a life to remember (Tetracolon climax). SD A garden stone may not seem important to our minds, but its simple appearance hides its untold past. CM A stone begins as a minuscule (FAST), useless piece of the earth, carefully shaped into a bigger and valuable treasure as time passes. CM Its past, carved into the grayness of its flat surface is forever present. SD Perhaps, a stone is like a human life, constantly changing with the experiences of the past and the questions of the future. CM It is with the unexpected events of life that the stone is able to take shape, yet still holding its past deep down under its first layer. CM After each day, a stone is still a stone, and a human life is still a life, “only different and vastly heightened”. CS A past stays the same, perhaps with unsolved mysteries, but it is the past that makes a stone whole and a human life undivided.
TS Similarly to Rilke’s passage and the garden stone, transformation has been a big part of my childhood and the way I have lived the past fourteen years of my life. SD Part of me regrets the small moments from my past that I have ignored and unpleasantly complained about. CM The missed opportunities of friendships, the lack of involvement in a group activity or even the ignorance of a small blue bird on its branch, are times that I wished I could have lived better. CM Perhaps, if I had shown “avid interest” in what seemed like the most insignificant moments of all, I would not have missed so much. SD However, as much regret as I hold for a childhood not lived to its fullest, I have learned the importance of the things I have missed. CM I have been transformed through my mistakes and lack of appreciation for life. CM I am now able to live the small moments, as if it was the last time I would ever be able to live, as if these moments would never “return”. CS Perhaps one is meant to be transformed through their mistakes rather than stay unchanged through superiority(Antithesis).
Life is just a matter of how one changes as time passes. It is up to us to decide how we want to live. After all, we only have one life, with one past and one future ahead of us. A stone is just a stone, a smile is just a smile, but what makes all the difference, is the content of the inside layer of that stone and the heartfelt message beneath those shining white teeth.
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Self Assessment
1) I am continuing to work on my blending of quotes. There was not a lot of blending to do this week, but I tried to make the quotes flow with the essay the best that I could.
2) Some strong points I see in this piece of writing is the organization. I feel as though this time, I tried extra hard to make every sentence and every word fit under the "umbrella".
3) Some weak points I see in this essay are sentence lengths and the lack of lengths variety. Some of my sentences could easily be broken down into smaller and perhaps, clearer sentences.
4) The grade I would give myself: A-
2 comments:
Dearest Julie,
I really liked this essay. I enjoyed how you thought that in his passage he wrote that transformation can only happen when life is lived to the fullest. I also really like this sentence, "Watching a wave suddenly crash onto the beach, admiring the birds singing on a branch, and catching the snowflakes on a cold snowy day are significant moments that transform us." It really painted a picture in my mind.
As for suggestions, I would look over and get rid of some unnecessary words.
ex: "Much like Rilke’s words of wisdom, a small garden stone consists of a past, a history, a story to tell, and a life to remember." could do without the "to tell."
"Our whole life is transformed by the things we observe, the things we appreciate, the things we experience, and the things we learn from." doesnt need the "whole"
Also i would look at your sentence lengths. I noticed some long sentences that could be chopped in half and made into two in the first two body paragraphs. lastly in your second sentence, i would say "Altough our lives are changing every passing minute," instead of "Although our lives are changing each minute that passes," but it is up to you.
Good job julie
YOU ARE GOOD
Dear Julie-
Nice job! i really loved this sentence:
"Through transformation, our past becomes a treasure, our present becomes a past, and our future becomes a choice." it was beautiful parallellism and deep thinking.
I also loveddddd reading your last body paragraph about transformation in your own life. It was so honest, so beautifully writtn, and so relatable.
Like Caroline said, i would look at your sentence lengths if i was you. You seem to have a lot of long and somettimes complicated sentences clumped together. I also think you should look at this sentence and try to edit it:
"SD Every moment lived in life becomes a past, more often than not, a past not understood and unclear." I really love what you are saying here and i think a couple of very small changes would make this sentence stand out as a piece of gold and insight in your beautiful essay.
Wonderful job my dear, im always so impressed by your writing.
xo anna
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