caroline's draft

Caroline Burlingham
H. Salsich
English
May 13, 2009

What If:
An Essay on a Passage by Rainer Maria Rilke and its Relations

Everyone who has lived has experienced loss in some form. Whether it’s the ice cream cone that fell in the sand, or a life, loss is loss. Rainer Maria Rilke, a famous German poet, knows loss. He writes about what he has lost, what he will loose, and how he is lost (Parallelism). He also writes about the saying, “What if.”

“If God had only made our hands to be like our eyes- so ready to grasp, so willing to relinquish all things- then we could truly acquire wealth,” states Rilke in the very first line of his passage. This sentence not only talks about loss, but about what could be gained if things would change. He seems to imply that our eyes are free unlike our hands, which tend to confine us. If we were able to use our hands in a similar way that we use our eyes, than we would not miss a thing. All the things we miss out on and can’t grasp, we lose. If we could hold those thoughts or sights, then they would be more than just a memory. They would be an experience, a journey, a reality, and more than just an image (tetracolon climax). Life is limited, maybe what we loose is obliging (FAST) to us in the long run.

Nothing is what it seems to be. Our hands are thought to be helpful and of great use, but they are really like “a coffin for us.” The same concept can apply to rock. Cold and unbending, it sits in the dirt unnoticed as anything other than a place to put your feet, but it’s much more than that (Appositive opener). It may be dull and boring, but the journey it has made is exciting (antithesis). This rock “out of whose depths their dearest secrets speak,” tells us an anecdote (Fast). Somehow, somewhere, it became a garden stone. Nothing is what it seems, but in order to discover the truth, you need to look with both free hands and eyes.

Rilke also states that, “Once out of our hands, however, things ought to move forward,” which is what I will be forced to do next year. I have been at Pine Point for twelve years, but now it is my time to go. On June 13, Pine Point will slip out of my hands and be replaced with a new school. Rilke would say that I should move on, but I am unsure if I will be able to. Pine Point is like my home, and the students are like my family, supportive and friendly (Appositive Closer). I have missed so much of this journey for the very reasons Rilke speaks of, I simply watched the twelve years pass by.

Loss is an uncanny (FAST) thing. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, for any reason without any warning (parallelism). Rilke lost his wealth, and I missed out on twelve years of my life. Now, looking back, I can’t help but wonder, “What if..?”

Self Assesment:

What I think are my strong points: I thought I made good use of the special tools in this essay. I was also able to add some extras for extra credit.
What I would change: I would have chosen to compair the passage to a story, not a rock. It would have been easier to write if I could have chosen the object or compairison.
A problem I am continuing to have: I think that I have troulble omiting unnecessary words. Both of my comments said I should look for some, but it is very difficult.
The grade I would give myself: A- or B+